Mommy, I like the train!

Yes, this is one of those wah-wah pity me posts. You've been warned.

Yesterday was rather uneventful when you put it on paper.

I went to bed kinda late last night, around 3am. V went to sleep and I stayed up playing Rockband 2. My band's name is "The Menstruating Opposums." You know that's the most awesome name for a band--ever. Anyway, all of this is irrelevant. I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn, 8 am. I took a nap and woke up at 11. Vincent decided to open Mommy's eyes for her. My son is so considerate.

We did the usual...shower, eat, lounge around and went to therapy. Therapy was a little rough. He learned a new game and was completely fearful of a mooing cow ball. Yes, my son, the child that has no problem slamming his head into a metal railing and laugh about it, was deathly afraid of a cow. I think he may have seen some PETA videos and didn't want to hurt the poor cow ball.
After 20 minutes of desensitizing, cuddling and trickery my son grasped the concept of the cow ball and bowling.

The day was young and I didn't have to work until midnight, so we went to pick up Lindsey and her 2 boys. We went on a "Mommy Outing" to Corpus. I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble to pick up a few books for Vincent and myself. We went to the children's corral and the boys had a field day. Vincent was running around and following Josh (the 3 y/o) everywhere. Josh is very articulate and wise beyond his years. He's one smart cookie to say the least. Those two are BFFs. Cutest.thing.ever.

I picked out a few board books for Vincent and went to grab Lindsey and Chase (the 9 m/o) to find our boys. They and a few other toddlers were at a huge play table. There were mothers sitting there having a nice chat, talking about whatever it is that SAHMs talk about. They notice us and started talking to me.

SAHM: How old is he? (regarding V)
Me: He'll be 2 this month.
SAHM: Aww, another 2 year old. He's so cute! My son just turned 2.
Me: He's adorable! He's a tall one just like my guy.

Typical mommy talk ensues, how much fun they're having, how smart B&N is for nailing down the train tracks, etc. SAHM's 2 year old looks at mom and says "Mommy, I love these trains! They're so fun." "Mom says I'm glad you like them sweetie." "I love trains!"

I look at this child, the same age as my son, telling his mom how much he loved the trains. I crouch down to Vincent and ask him if he's having fun with the trains. He has one in each hand and he's stimming (self stimulation, also characteristically done with fingers, hand play, walking in circles) hitting the two of them together, completely disregarding me. This other child is still talking to Mommy about Thomas and the blue and yellow trains.

I look to Lindsey with tears in my eyes, and tell her that we need to go.

I get my books, The Autism Answer Book and The Autism Cook Book, full of kid-friendly GF recipes and escape.

I know my son is different from kids his age but seeing him next to one made is so blatant, so apparent. Vincent is my first (and will be my only) child, therefore I don't know what's normal and what's not. It was a slap in the face to see a 9 month old have the communication and play skills of my 2 year old son.

I took my pain (which turns into anger) out on someone I shouldn't have, like usual. I've had a temper lately. It's my way of dealing. I'd much rather be a complete bitch than be weak. I've always been that way. Someday I'll find a more conducive way to cope, but right now I don't how. I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, the only one there to help me and love me. I'll get better, I promise...I hope.

We go to Macaroni Grill, and I downed a couple glasses of wine. That definitely took the bite off when Vincent knocked a plate off the table and it broke. He ate well though and enjoyed the shrimp spinach dip. I'm always happy when he eats.

Like usual, I'm divulging meaningless details which takes away from the point of this post. I guess I'll sum it up.
My son is scared of the most harmless things. For the first time today I saw him with one of his peers and it highlighted how different  he is. This makes Mommy cry. Mommy, in turn, is a wino who is mean to the people who love her.

My heart still aches with the fact that my son is Autistic. The words come out, I know this in my heart, in my soul, but I can't swallow it. I can't handle that my little boy, who was born perfectly normal and developed on schedule until 16 months, may never speak. He may never understand the concept that I love him more than anything. He may in fact, be my baby forever, literally. I did everything right! I woke up every 2 hours and nursed him. I boiled his bottles, he always wore socks, he never had more than 2 vaccanations a visit. I did breathing treatments every 3 hours with him. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to, no matter the pain or inconvenience...and it didn't matter. What a slap in the face God! I feel like no matter what I do I just can't win.

I love my son more than words will ever express.

I just hope that one day he understands that love and has the words to express it back to me.