I lied.

Surprised? I'm not. I am the world's biggest procrastinator, ever. Period.
No, I haven't blogged. No, I'm not famous or even have double digit readers. Who can blame y'all? There's nothing to read. As of current, I have no reason to go to any blogger conventions because I'm not even a blogger. Oh well. To my few (but super important readers), here's an update.

After an issue that happened quite suddenly, I made the long trek to Dallas and brought back a few souveniers: my mother and younger brother. Oh yeah, and by bring back I mean they moved in with me. As in permanently.

Yes, I'm serious. No, I wasn't high.

Since I now have family plus two, there was a need for a larger house. Enter stage left, next major event.

I have a house. A big one, a bigger one than I would have under any other circumstances. I'm excited and overwhelmed but happy. I have an ACRE yard. Yes, literally an acre. Vincent goes apeshit! It's perfect and wonderful. Someday I'll stop being a deadbeat and post pictures. PS, it's orange. Wowza.
I'm going to change Vincent's name. It's going to be hyphenated, my maiden name and his dad's last name. Surprisingly, Carlos agreed.

By the way, ugh. Visitation/custody arguments suck.

This evening I finished all of my paperwork to go back to school. Now for that shit I must be smoking crack. Unfortunately, I'm once again completely sober. I never thought I'd be studying medicine. As all of my fellow moms know, kids change everything. Keep your fingers crossed that I can figure out how to get enough financial aid/student loans to go to school full time.

So this is my two minute 3:30am post so I can say I blogged. I don't feel quite so dirty now.

I've thought out things I've wanted to talk about but feel dirty doing so without updating about anything else. Isn't that who I am though? I'll be completely AWOL forever and just come out of the woodwork, rambling 100 mph about something. I've written the buffer post. I can say some real shit now.
I promise I'll try to be better and write. Keyword: TRY.


A bittersweet anniversary...

I didn't plan on posting this because let's face it, I post wah-wah Autism blogs a lot. But, as requested by Lauren, here it is.

I know I never say it enough, but I'm so truly blessed.
You're probably wondering who's hijacked my Google account or if I've already been drinking this morning. I can assure you that neither have occured, though the thought of a mimosa is always in the back of my mind.

I tend to be the pessimistic, hell--a whiner at times, but I couldn't help but think about this last night.
I was laying in bed with Vincent, fighting with him to go to sleep (at 2:30am) when I tried to hand him his cup of milk for the upteenth time. He looked at me and said "no." I tried again, with the same response. He rolled over and grabbed my hand, placing it on his tummy, letting me know he wanted his tummy to be rubbed.

Next month will be the one year anniversary that our "normal" life had a head-on collision with Autism. Just one year? It's hard to believe that it's been that long, but also that short of a time. A year ago Vincent didn't make eye contact and was literally in his own world, oblivious to others around him. He had no language, not a single word and couldn't communicate his simplest needs.

Fast forward to today. He dances, mimicks sounds and words, and even has a small vocabulary of his own. His latest communication development is that he will say "Ama" until I make eye contact and verbally acknowledge him. After I do this, he'll babble whatever he has to say. I usually tell him that I love him too and he smiles.

He says hi, bye, blows kisses, makes animal sounds and the list continues. He has words of his own and he also utilizes sign language for when he's finished or if he wants bubbles.
He comprehends so much more of what I tell him. Last week I told him to go get me a diaper so I could change him and he came back with his diaper bag. Wait--did he just listen to me and do what I asked him to do? HUGE!
These things aren't usually considered a big deal...but they are. These bits of communications are so incredibly huge that I, a (somewhat) vocal individual, cannot find the words to express the joy that it brings me.

What's the miracle cure? Hard work. Therapy, play, patience. He didn't get injections or take pills to cure him. I learned how to get into his world. It's not easy. I yell, I cry, I crumble. However, when I do break down, Vincent understands that "Ama" is upset and he comes into my arms and just holds me. He'll hold me as long as I need him to, which usually results in more tears.

That love is the proof of improvement. That love is my reason for being.


Somebody is a procrastinator...

...I'll tell you who later.

I haven't posted in ages. I can't really say that there have been any ground breaking changes in my world, but sometimes no news is good news. I get so wrapped up in things and trivial tasks get pushed to the bottom of the list.

Vincent continues to make small accomplishments daily that astound me. Every day is something new and I fall more in love with him. You parents know exactly what I'm talking about. Today he was meowing like a cat. How adorable! Now the mommy fail comes from the fact that he learned how to meow from a snail on Spongebob. Epic. Mommy. Fail.

This post has a point, I promise.

As you know, I'm a little bit of a social-networking whore. I'm not as active as I should be, but I am involved with most sites. The big talk of Twitter this week was BlogHer 10. This really got me thinking. I would love to be a recognized blogger, to have readers, to have people who "know me" and are connected to me through this site. I like to think that I'm somewhat eloquent and I happen to think I'm pretty damn funny. Ask my astounding 3 readers, I'm sure they'll be inclined to agree.

I'm making a commitment to myself, and partially to my sanity, to make this blog my project. When it comes to projects I'm a very balls to the wall kinda gal. What does this mean? I'm going to make this a successful blog. I'm gonna pimp this bitch out! Twitter, Facebook and hell maybe even Myspace. Ok, scratch that. I'm not that desperate. Twitter and FB it is.

Next year I will be relevant enough to attend a blogger convention and be recognized. Mark my words.

What the hell will I talk about? Who knows. I don't have one particular area of expertise, though I'd like to say that I have gained a ton of knowledge regarding autism this past year. However, I can't just talk about that. Don't get me wrong, it'll definitely be an often occuring subject around here, but there is more to me and V besides that. I think.
I guess I'll continue with the direction this blog--and my life--have been taking; basically a free for all.

On that note, I promise to make it better. A nicer site, layout, pictures, and posts with a point, shit you'll actually want to read.

So (few) readers, I ask you to help me gain support. I won't disappoint. I'm one bad ass gal.


I'm lame, I know.

Hi, my  name is Michelle and I suck at blogging.

The funny thing is that now that I have a laptop I don't even blog! What gives? Anywho, I've been busy. Doing?

...yes, the hours still BLOW.

...he turned 2 on Sunday. I have a blog planned for that. Yes, it might be a little wah-wah. Deal. We had crazy appointments on Tuesday: Neuro appt, Speech therapy and then Occupational therapy. And oh yeah, these appointments are in 3 different towns. Yesterday was ST and then a shit load of labs.

And oh yeah, he was re-diagnosed. Another blog.

...aka Carlos. He came into town. I "ruined his life" and then drank half a bottle of wine.

I am *this close* to ripping my hair out and leaving my job. But alas, I'm still miserably employed.

Maybe after I sleep a little tomorrow I'll post something meaningful. Or maybe not.

Anywho, I'm alive and didn't forget. So much to say and no way to say it.


I'm putting off procrastinating

If you know me, which all 4 of my followers do, then you know that I'm eternally late. I put everything off until the very last moment and procrastinate like no other.

Vincent's 2nd birthday is on Februrary 21st. As in 2 weeks away. Guess what I've done? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. I want him to have fun and enjoy his party. I hate the idea of spending time and boo-koos of money for other kids to have a good time on V's special day.

As of current, my plan of action is to get a moonwalk (jumper/bouncer) and have a bbq, cake, and all of the fun birthday party stuff. Suggestions? Ideas?

I want my son's day to be as fun and unique as he is!


Mommy, I like the train!

Yes, this is one of those wah-wah pity me posts. You've been warned.

Yesterday was rather uneventful when you put it on paper.

I went to bed kinda late last night, around 3am. V went to sleep and I stayed up playing Rockband 2. My band's name is "The Menstruating Opposums." You know that's the most awesome name for a band--ever. Anyway, all of this is irrelevant. I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn, 8 am. I took a nap and woke up at 11. Vincent decided to open Mommy's eyes for her. My son is so considerate.

We did the usual...shower, eat, lounge around and went to therapy. Therapy was a little rough. He learned a new game and was completely fearful of a mooing cow ball. Yes, my son, the child that has no problem slamming his head into a metal railing and laugh about it, was deathly afraid of a cow. I think he may have seen some PETA videos and didn't want to hurt the poor cow ball.
After 20 minutes of desensitizing, cuddling and trickery my son grasped the concept of the cow ball and bowling.

The day was young and I didn't have to work until midnight, so we went to pick up Lindsey and her 2 boys. We went on a "Mommy Outing" to Corpus. I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble to pick up a few books for Vincent and myself. We went to the children's corral and the boys had a field day. Vincent was running around and following Josh (the 3 y/o) everywhere. Josh is very articulate and wise beyond his years. He's one smart cookie to say the least. Those two are BFFs. Cutest.thing.ever.

I picked out a few board books for Vincent and went to grab Lindsey and Chase (the 9 m/o) to find our boys. They and a few other toddlers were at a huge play table. There were mothers sitting there having a nice chat, talking about whatever it is that SAHMs talk about. They notice us and started talking to me.

SAHM: How old is he? (regarding V)
Me: He'll be 2 this month.
SAHM: Aww, another 2 year old. He's so cute! My son just turned 2.
Me: He's adorable! He's a tall one just like my guy.

Typical mommy talk ensues, how much fun they're having, how smart B&N is for nailing down the train tracks, etc. SAHM's 2 year old looks at mom and says "Mommy, I love these trains! They're so fun." "Mom says I'm glad you like them sweetie." "I love trains!"

I look at this child, the same age as my son, telling his mom how much he loved the trains. I crouch down to Vincent and ask him if he's having fun with the trains. He has one in each hand and he's stimming (self stimulation, also characteristically done with fingers, hand play, walking in circles) hitting the two of them together, completely disregarding me. This other child is still talking to Mommy about Thomas and the blue and yellow trains.

I look to Lindsey with tears in my eyes, and tell her that we need to go.

I get my books, The Autism Answer Book and The Autism Cook Book, full of kid-friendly GF recipes and escape.

I know my son is different from kids his age but seeing him next to one made is so blatant, so apparent. Vincent is my first (and will be my only) child, therefore I don't know what's normal and what's not. It was a slap in the face to see a 9 month old have the communication and play skills of my 2 year old son.

I took my pain (which turns into anger) out on someone I shouldn't have, like usual. I've had a temper lately. It's my way of dealing. I'd much rather be a complete bitch than be weak. I've always been that way. Someday I'll find a more conducive way to cope, but right now I don't how. I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, the only one there to help me and love me. I'll get better, I promise...I hope.

We go to Macaroni Grill, and I downed a couple glasses of wine. That definitely took the bite off when Vincent knocked a plate off the table and it broke. He ate well though and enjoyed the shrimp spinach dip. I'm always happy when he eats.

Like usual, I'm divulging meaningless details which takes away from the point of this post. I guess I'll sum it up.
My son is scared of the most harmless things. For the first time today I saw him with one of his peers and it highlighted how different  he is. This makes Mommy cry. Mommy, in turn, is a wino who is mean to the people who love her.

My heart still aches with the fact that my son is Autistic. The words come out, I know this in my heart, in my soul, but I can't swallow it. I can't handle that my little boy, who was born perfectly normal and developed on schedule until 16 months, may never speak. He may never understand the concept that I love him more than anything. He may in fact, be my baby forever, literally. I did everything right! I woke up every 2 hours and nursed him. I boiled his bottles, he always wore socks, he never had more than 2 vaccanations a visit. I did breathing treatments every 3 hours with him. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to, no matter the pain or inconvenience...and it didn't matter. What a slap in the face God! I feel like no matter what I do I just can't win.

I love my son more than words will ever express.

I just hope that one day he understands that love and has the words to express it back to me.


You gluttonous pig!

I am a tad gluttonous at times, but that isn't what this post is about. We're going to talk about gluten.

I've been seriously considering doing something that's going to make a huge impact on my life. Well, quite a few things, but today we'll talk about the diet aspect of my life overhaul.

Many members of the Autistic community have had great success with moving to a Gluten Free diet. I hear reports of  better temperment and all around improvement, many saying 50% improvement. That's huge!! I'm sure not every single person has such astounding results but everything I'm reading is positive. 1% is better than 0, right?

Gluten is the protein found in wheat and most processed foods. This is anything from bread, to pasta, cookies, milk, ketchup, french fries, and even alcohol...you get the picture. Most people who are GF are Celiac, a completely seperate disease and has absolutely nothing to do with Autism. It's deals a lot with digestion, absorbtion of nutrients, etc. It's quite a complex disease. Anywho, many Auties have gastroentestinal problems and I'm beginning to think Vincent may be in that category as well. I think that may be the reason GF diets are beneficial for Auties--the gastroentestinal issues.

Gluten Free foods are available, but of course they come with a higher price tag. Doing this is a huge lifestyle change because V and I won't be able to eat out as much and I will have to do a lot more cooking. This wouldn't prove to be a problem if I was a SAHM, but like I said earlier, that's another post.
If V is GF then I will be too. This means I'll be eliminating my 3 favorite foods from my diet: dairy (cheese!), pasta, and alcohol. Yes, alcohol is a food group. Don't judge.

Anyway, if I do this, I'm going to do it all the way. All or nothing.
Damn, I sure do love me some cheese. And wine. And ice cream.

I can do this!

What do you know about being Gluten Free? What's your take on the change?