I'm lame, I know.

Hi, my  name is Michelle and I suck at blogging.

The funny thing is that now that I have a laptop I don't even blog! What gives? Anywho, I've been busy. Doing?

...yes, the hours still BLOW.

...he turned 2 on Sunday. I have a blog planned for that. Yes, it might be a little wah-wah. Deal. We had crazy appointments on Tuesday: Neuro appt, Speech therapy and then Occupational therapy. And oh yeah, these appointments are in 3 different towns. Yesterday was ST and then a shit load of labs.

And oh yeah, he was re-diagnosed. Another blog.

...aka Carlos. He came into town. I "ruined his life" and then drank half a bottle of wine.

I am *this close* to ripping my hair out and leaving my job. But alas, I'm still miserably employed.

Maybe after I sleep a little tomorrow I'll post something meaningful. Or maybe not.

Anywho, I'm alive and didn't forget. So much to say and no way to say it.


I'm putting off procrastinating

If you know me, which all 4 of my followers do, then you know that I'm eternally late. I put everything off until the very last moment and procrastinate like no other.

Vincent's 2nd birthday is on Februrary 21st. As in 2 weeks away. Guess what I've done? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. I want him to have fun and enjoy his party. I hate the idea of spending time and boo-koos of money for other kids to have a good time on V's special day.

As of current, my plan of action is to get a moonwalk (jumper/bouncer) and have a bbq, cake, and all of the fun birthday party stuff. Suggestions? Ideas?

I want my son's day to be as fun and unique as he is!


Mommy, I like the train!

Yes, this is one of those wah-wah pity me posts. You've been warned.

Yesterday was rather uneventful when you put it on paper.

I went to bed kinda late last night, around 3am. V went to sleep and I stayed up playing Rockband 2. My band's name is "The Menstruating Opposums." You know that's the most awesome name for a band--ever. Anyway, all of this is irrelevant. I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn, 8 am. I took a nap and woke up at 11. Vincent decided to open Mommy's eyes for her. My son is so considerate.

We did the usual...shower, eat, lounge around and went to therapy. Therapy was a little rough. He learned a new game and was completely fearful of a mooing cow ball. Yes, my son, the child that has no problem slamming his head into a metal railing and laugh about it, was deathly afraid of a cow. I think he may have seen some PETA videos and didn't want to hurt the poor cow ball.
After 20 minutes of desensitizing, cuddling and trickery my son grasped the concept of the cow ball and bowling.

The day was young and I didn't have to work until midnight, so we went to pick up Lindsey and her 2 boys. We went on a "Mommy Outing" to Corpus. I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble to pick up a few books for Vincent and myself. We went to the children's corral and the boys had a field day. Vincent was running around and following Josh (the 3 y/o) everywhere. Josh is very articulate and wise beyond his years. He's one smart cookie to say the least. Those two are BFFs. Cutest.thing.ever.

I picked out a few board books for Vincent and went to grab Lindsey and Chase (the 9 m/o) to find our boys. They and a few other toddlers were at a huge play table. There were mothers sitting there having a nice chat, talking about whatever it is that SAHMs talk about. They notice us and started talking to me.

SAHM: How old is he? (regarding V)
Me: He'll be 2 this month.
SAHM: Aww, another 2 year old. He's so cute! My son just turned 2.
Me: He's adorable! He's a tall one just like my guy.

Typical mommy talk ensues, how much fun they're having, how smart B&N is for nailing down the train tracks, etc. SAHM's 2 year old looks at mom and says "Mommy, I love these trains! They're so fun." "Mom says I'm glad you like them sweetie." "I love trains!"

I look at this child, the same age as my son, telling his mom how much he loved the trains. I crouch down to Vincent and ask him if he's having fun with the trains. He has one in each hand and he's stimming (self stimulation, also characteristically done with fingers, hand play, walking in circles) hitting the two of them together, completely disregarding me. This other child is still talking to Mommy about Thomas and the blue and yellow trains.

I look to Lindsey with tears in my eyes, and tell her that we need to go.

I get my books, The Autism Answer Book and The Autism Cook Book, full of kid-friendly GF recipes and escape.

I know my son is different from kids his age but seeing him next to one made is so blatant, so apparent. Vincent is my first (and will be my only) child, therefore I don't know what's normal and what's not. It was a slap in the face to see a 9 month old have the communication and play skills of my 2 year old son.

I took my pain (which turns into anger) out on someone I shouldn't have, like usual. I've had a temper lately. It's my way of dealing. I'd much rather be a complete bitch than be weak. I've always been that way. Someday I'll find a more conducive way to cope, but right now I don't how. I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, the only one there to help me and love me. I'll get better, I promise...I hope.

We go to Macaroni Grill, and I downed a couple glasses of wine. That definitely took the bite off when Vincent knocked a plate off the table and it broke. He ate well though and enjoyed the shrimp spinach dip. I'm always happy when he eats.

Like usual, I'm divulging meaningless details which takes away from the point of this post. I guess I'll sum it up.
My son is scared of the most harmless things. For the first time today I saw him with one of his peers and it highlighted how different  he is. This makes Mommy cry. Mommy, in turn, is a wino who is mean to the people who love her.

My heart still aches with the fact that my son is Autistic. The words come out, I know this in my heart, in my soul, but I can't swallow it. I can't handle that my little boy, who was born perfectly normal and developed on schedule until 16 months, may never speak. He may never understand the concept that I love him more than anything. He may in fact, be my baby forever, literally. I did everything right! I woke up every 2 hours and nursed him. I boiled his bottles, he always wore socks, he never had more than 2 vaccanations a visit. I did breathing treatments every 3 hours with him. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to, no matter the pain or inconvenience...and it didn't matter. What a slap in the face God! I feel like no matter what I do I just can't win.

I love my son more than words will ever express.

I just hope that one day he understands that love and has the words to express it back to me.


You gluttonous pig!

I am a tad gluttonous at times, but that isn't what this post is about. We're going to talk about gluten.

I've been seriously considering doing something that's going to make a huge impact on my life. Well, quite a few things, but today we'll talk about the diet aspect of my life overhaul.

Many members of the Autistic community have had great success with moving to a Gluten Free diet. I hear reports of  better temperment and all around improvement, many saying 50% improvement. That's huge!! I'm sure not every single person has such astounding results but everything I'm reading is positive. 1% is better than 0, right?

Gluten is the protein found in wheat and most processed foods. This is anything from bread, to pasta, cookies, milk, ketchup, french fries, and even alcohol...you get the picture. Most people who are GF are Celiac, a completely seperate disease and has absolutely nothing to do with Autism. It's deals a lot with digestion, absorbtion of nutrients, etc. It's quite a complex disease. Anywho, many Auties have gastroentestinal problems and I'm beginning to think Vincent may be in that category as well. I think that may be the reason GF diets are beneficial for Auties--the gastroentestinal issues.

Gluten Free foods are available, but of course they come with a higher price tag. Doing this is a huge lifestyle change because V and I won't be able to eat out as much and I will have to do a lot more cooking. This wouldn't prove to be a problem if I was a SAHM, but like I said earlier, that's another post.
If V is GF then I will be too. This means I'll be eliminating my 3 favorite foods from my diet: dairy (cheese!), pasta, and alcohol. Yes, alcohol is a food group. Don't judge.

Anyway, if I do this, I'm going to do it all the way. All or nothing.
Damn, I sure do love me some cheese. And wine. And ice cream.

I can do this!

What do you know about being Gluten Free? What's your take on the change?


I've always had something to say, even when I really should've kept my mouth shut. In fact, this is still an everyday battle for me. I remember dining on soap many times as a child for my colorful vocabulary. I still speak like a sailor. Fortunately, I've developed a taste for Dial.

I like to think that I'm somewhat eloquent, moreso via written word than speech most times. I've never successfully taken to blogging but have decided to do so for a few reasons, namely peer pressure. That's right, everyone else has blogs and I settle for my 140 character microblogging.
Sorry Twitter, but I must bust these chains! Not to mention I am a tad "wordy" if you will. I can talk forever. And ever.

Moving on.

Mainly, there are so many different and distinctive facets of my life. I just need to let everything out. I need an audience, even if it is just my friends that read my blog out of obligation. We all know that I have the eternal rain cloud over my head. Rest assured this blog will not be just an emo rant or a Debbie Downer's paradise.

I am going to discuss Vincent's Autism, a lot. In fact, maybe too much for some people's liking. At this point in my life, that is the only thing that matters. Every day is a new battle, every day is a new heartbreak, every day is a new triumph. I want to share that with everyone. And truly, there needs to be more awareness. Early intervention is crucial.

I'll talk about my adventures in relationships and dating...if that's what you'd even call it. And trust me, I have fun stories...like how I have paparazzi. That story ends with vomit.
Of course, there will be some of my job in there. When you work in law enforcement there is always a story to tell. For instance, an inmate told me tonight that he's a lot like Charles Manson, they're "kindred spirits." So comforting.

Don't fret, I enjoy fun things as well. I love shoes, jewelry making, video games, and chocolate. Oh yes, and any kind of retail therapy.

Bringing my maiden post a close, I hope you'll stick around. Please comment and email.

And by the way, it's a working title. I'm definitely open to suggestions.